Rockstar Watermelon-Kiwi (Euro)

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ROCKST★R Watermelon-Kiwi - European Edition
Rockstar Watermelon-Kiwi - European Edition

The news is official that artificial sweeteners cause cancer. I suppose that I should have known based on the effects I have observed after my lifetime of subsisting solely on energy drinks.

For many months now my body has been a disfigured, lumpy mass of tumors and growths. My appearance inspires pity in the best circumstances and disgusted hatred in the worst. I have been chased from many civilized places due to my hideous, troll-like appearance. I bear them no ill will, I am a monster, when I catch a stray glimpse of my twisted reflection in the grimy window of a passing bus or in a dirty puddle on the street I too am revolted.

Despite my condition, being now formed of many malignant growths, I cannot give up the very thing that has caused that condition. I have also gained perpetual youth and life from that same source, as the taurine in energy drinks is now recognized as a veritable fountain of youth.

Even now as I run my fingers over the knobbly, uneven surface of my head, feeling the stray patches of coarse hairs and winding tracks of pinkish scars, I crave another can of my most beloved elixir. The combination of deadly artificial sweeteners but life-extending taurine, the very potion that has left me a pale, deformed blob.

For now, the only thing that helps me stop thinking of my yellowish skin, riddled with incongruous ridges and weeping, open sores is an energy drink. The latest that I’ve had is this European Rockstar Sugar-Free Watermelon Kiwi. It’s nice.

The taste is intense, but as the reddish liquid rolls over my bloated, pus-coloured tongue, it does not seem to be either of those flavours. A kind of generic fruit-punch taste, but not a bad one. The level of carbonation feels somewhat higher than the usual offerings from Rockstar, but I may have had an anomalous can. The beverage itself has 31 mg of caffeine per 100 ml, making this on the lighter side energy-wise.

If you are willing to join the blemished, deformed legions and have a chance at eternal life, all while enjoying some energizing refreshment, why not crack a ROCKST★R Watermelon-Kiwi and lament your existence?

Information and review:

  • Location Purchased: A Fun Store
  • Price when Purchased: 7.19 Lei (about $1.58 real dollars at time of testing)
Taste: Intensely fruity and highly carbonated. While it has a distinct fruitlike nature, it is only reminiscent of watermelon and/or kiwi in the vaguest sense. 

Energy: Middling to normal energy drink level. Contains taurine, which extends life, or so it is believed...

Bottom Line: Not too much different than other fruity energy drinks that don't taste like Red Bull clones...

🍉🍉🍉🍉 / 🥝🥝🥝🥝🥝
4 watermelons out of 5 kiwis?

You might have a different opinion or experience - feel free to let me know in the comments.

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