Arizona Hard Green Tea

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Is this an energy drink? Yeah, I am so far beyond being able to care that I tragically miss the days when I was capable of feeling anything other than shame and regret.

So Canada rarely gets "exclusive" product tests or reveals, so this was something of a treat when I saw that there was an Arizona Tea brand hard tea available at my state-controlled happiness beverage shop. An examination of the can reveals that this is in fact, not a "real" Arizona tea, but one made by the Molson-Coors conglomerate. 

Just in case you forgot you were in Canada, everything on the can is printed twice, English and French. I have always thought that "The Vert" was a cool name for a drink, but it isn't. 

I can remember distinctly, opening the can, hearing and feeling the slight pressure being released, the odd sensations that overcame me as I sniffed the aromas exited from the recently liberated pouring spout, then the massive and obscene disappointment that I felt when I tasted the noxious oils and solvents that were contained within this can. I bought several cans of this, but have only managed to consume one. Each sip, each taste; each mere thought of consuming this liquid solution, is terror. 

When I think back and remember that I paid money for this, I am washed over with thoughts of suicide and self-hatred. How could I have purchased this? How could I have wanted to drink this? The pressure is constant and irritating. This is a mistake that I will never be able to forget and I fear that I will never be able to enjoy anything ever again. 
  • Price when Purchased: $3.00 Leafbacks
Taste: This tastes bad. I know that is a judgmental and personality-relative statement; however, bear in mind that I am happy to drink vodka and I am happy to drink regular Arizona Green Tea. This is not a harmonious fusion of the two, this is some kind of discount "green tea" made by some developmentally disabled troglodytes in a subterranean torture facility mixed with rejects from the rubbing alcohol factory. I am in control of no person, not even myself, so I won't tell you what to do, but, honestly, this is not a happy experience and available stock should be reserved for those considering suicide that need just a little push to go over the edge.  

Energy: some caffeine, presumably from the green tea extract.  

Bottom Line: I feel punished, but also that I deserve further punishment for buying this.

🤮
0/5 - not even death is an escape...

You might have a different opinion or experience - feel free to let me know in the comments.

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