Cool Runnings Energy Drink

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As bad as my situation is, it will never be as bad as the Cool Runnings website.


So it turns out that I am, in fact, not a transitional being that exists as a loosely correlated network of photons. What am I? Well I guess when I killed that man and drank his amazing bottle of Powermalt I must have started hallucinating fairly intensely (which is not too much of a surprise since I have being living well out of touch from reality for what must be a significant period of time - time being a concept that I can perceive and understand in short bursts of painfully illuminating periods of lucidity).

 I skinned the man and started wearing that skin as some kind of suit and instead of simply becoming a rotten mess, the man's skin bonded to mine and I am now a monstrously powerful fusion of two bodies into one. His skin, sinew, and muscle have joined mine, giving me a rough approximation of his external appearance. I can feel the emotions, memories, and thoughts of his body growing and intruding into my brain and I constantly jockey for power in our new symbiotic form.

 Overall, I would say it isn't so bad, I have stolen the rest of his life as well, and my new family and wife are highly troubled by my seemingly incongruous actions, troubling appearance, and inexhaustible sexual energy and fluids. This new situation has also opened me up to new energy drink experiences, as well as some old ones, actually purchasing something rather than finding, stealing, or murdering someone for it is now feels like an anachronistic frivolity.
Here is the can - 250 ml.

Taste: The can claims that this is a Taste of Paradise, but to me it tastes a lot like blood and cerebrospinal fluid - but this is likely due to the fact that I first emptied the can into the shattered remnants of a human skull.


During my research I found this review of the beverage from a user who goes by the moniker of titsbeerbong420 - which, to me, sounds like the name of a reputable source of energy drink information.


Energy: This has a mediocre level of caffeine and a little bit of sugar. Since I have been eating vast amounts of flesh to sate my intense hungers, the energy effect has been negligible. 

Bottom Line: Cowabunga it isn't.



2/5 - "A Taste of Paradise" wherein Paradise is not very nice tasting.



You might have a different opinion or experience - feel free to let me know in the comments.

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