Tiger Malt

-
This here is Tiger Malt, it comes from Barbados, a country where tigers don't live, there isn't even a tiger there in a zoo, but hey it's just a name... ...or is it more than just a name..?

I last drank tiger malt over a year ago, why have I waited so long to post a review? The answer is simple: magic.

I only know that I drank the beverage (and took the above photograph) due to an intense spiritual reconstruction session with a powerful gypsy psychic that I recently attended. During a routine fortune-telling, the gypsy told me that I had several repressed memories, and more startlingly, I had repressed magical potency.

I am a weretiger. The gypsy unlocked the lycanthropy that I had been inflicted with, and well, the gypsy perished when my body was ripped from humanity to a hybrid form somewhere in between human and tiger. With tufts of black-striped orange fur, claws of magnificent size, and powerful crushing teeth and jaws, I wet on a rampage of slaughter and other more depraved forms of bestial conduct.

While my control of my body and actions lapsed in my hybrid weretiger state, I retained full memory of the transformation and the actions that I took. What's more, I remembered the source of my lycanthropy, the magical potency that the gypsy described - the bottle of Tiger Malt that I had consumed earlier.

...but why did a bottle of Tiger Malt cause lycanthropy? The answer is simple, every single person from Barbados is a weretiger and they put some of their communal blood in the beverage.
  • Location Purchased: Caribbean ex-patriot poverty store
  • Price when Purchased: $0.99 leafbacks
Taste: Sweet, malty - quite pleasant.

Energy: All sugar and lots of it.  

Bottom Line: There is nothing like the feeling of your body mutating into a physically powerful form and then going on a bender of destruction, terror, and depravity.

🐯🐯🐯🐯

4/5 - pretty good (I switched to emoji ratings since my old homemade ones don't work well)

You might have a different opinion or experience - feel free to let me know in the comments.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Power Malt: Extra Energy

-
Image
I have become a new person, a new being; behold, I am purest light. There is a new sun on the horizon: a star of brilliant, destructive energy that is a threat to all life - I am that star . My entire existence has changed. At first it was just another routine murder by me and the other homeless people at the camp; but after we killed the African man, his treasure proved to be my savior, my genesis. Here is the bottle - 330 ml. Location Purchased:  probably in an Caribbean grocery store somewhere. Price when Purchased:  apparently 0.99 Canadian. Taste:   This tastes like a slightly hopped malt beverage. Imagine something like Malteasers , if you have never had a malt drink before. Watch this video - it's pretty awesome. Energy:  This didn't provide energy in the traditional sense so much as it changed my body into a rapidly burning plume of electric flame. After consuming this potent elixir, my body rapidly broke down into an ashy residue.
Read more

Perrier Energize Caffeine & Yerba Mate Grapefruit Flavour Caffeinated Energy Drink

-
Image
  An energy drink for the discerning palate..? I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Energy drinks on on sale off the street downtown. I watched neon signs glow in the dark near the drink cooler. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die. I have taken up living at the homeless camp again. The camp is probably a fairly close approximation of what our prehistoric societies must have looked like: a band of desperate people barely scraping out an existence, a loose coalition led by the largest and most fearsome among us, and in my case, that is a large man of Haitian extraction that is known by the mononym "Blaster" to the other camp-dwellers. Our lives in this prehistoric state are as nasty, brutish, and short as Hobbes thought they would be. While survival is our primary goal, Blaster  is ambitious and ruthless and tries to drag us out of our rut. We truly are hunter-gatherers, and I have become one of the hunters, but the quarry t
Read more

Reign Energy Razzle Berry

-
Image
Now appearing in the Canadian Market: Reign Energy, here's the Razzle Berry flavour. Hello wanderer, I mean you no harm, I too am a lone traveler in the vast fields of perdition that extend forever beyond the horizon. Long have I hidden myself in cave-complex hermitage where I have hoped to outlast the great plague, but now that I have come back to the surface, I see that there will never be respite from our damnation, only brief glimpses of paradise through the consumption of forbidden elixirs. This particular elixir , from the lands to the South, has undergone a formulation change to appease our cautious council of elders . Part of that formulation change is a significant reduction in potency - whereas the Eagle-Men are able to consume 300mg of caffeine, those of the Beaver-People are restricted to a mere 180mg of caffeine - such is the way of this land. The inverse side of the can, with its various selling features.  It is said that this series of admixtures was developed to co
Read more