Monster Energy Zero Ultra

-
The "White Sip" - a beverage that is widely available but so difficult to categorize that there is no being alive that is fully able to understand its exact nature; one of the true enigmas of our world.

The unsolvable mystery that I routinely return to is Monster Energy Zero Ultra, the White Sip of legend, the drink of memes.

A drink that exists in culture; is culture. As Marshall McLuhan noted, the medium is the message, Monster Energy Ultra Zero is the society that we live and the drink that our society consumes.

I don't remember the first time that I had the white sip, but that is the nature of it, nobody remembers when they started drinking it. What can really give you a headache is if you try to figure out when the beverage was introduced, and you find that it has simultaneously never existed and yet has always existed. 

You may dismiss that claim and conduct a simple search on any given internet search engine and find some kind of arbitrary date, but I urge you to search your memories, meditate on the subject and try to recall the truth. A beverage that transcends reality in such a distinct and potent way is able to unbind and re-weave our societal collective memory.

Regardless of your personal opinion of the drink - which was implanted by the drink and is not actually a reflection of your personal tastes, it is impossible to deny that it is a very popular option in the consumer segment that seek energy drinks. Due to the popularity of the White Sip, there is no real reason for me to review it, in fact, I will defer to a wizened Sip Scholar to provide a more in-depth analysis of the culture fluid than I could ever muster: 

I long ago gave up trying to uncover the mystery of the White Sip, I am not even certain that it is something that anyone would want to uncover - unraveling secrets of the universe that are older than time would likely be eminently harmful to the psyche and physical structures of the human brain.

Is it something that you really believe that you ought to know..?
  • Price when Purchased: 2 for $5.00 Leafbacks, on sale
Taste: I have heard the White Sip described as having a mild citrus taste, but I prefer to think that citrus fruit are a poor imitation of this drink.

Energy: A cryptic amount of caffeine - 137mg as well as some other chemicals. Unfortunately, the can does not have a complete listing of the particles that lend the beverage its supernatural powers.  

Bottom Line: The rating doesn't matter, you will either be selected to drink it or not, you have no choice in the matter, try to ease your frustration by not thinking about it.


4.5/5 - embrace it

You might have a different opinion or experience - feel free to let me know in the comments.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Power Malt: Extra Energy

-
Image
I have become a new person, a new being; behold, I am purest light. There is a new sun on the horizon: a star of brilliant, destructive energy that is a threat to all life - I am that star . My entire existence has changed. At first it was just another routine murder by me and the other homeless people at the camp; but after we killed the African man, his treasure proved to be my savior, my genesis. Here is the bottle - 330 ml. Location Purchased:  probably in an Caribbean grocery store somewhere. Price when Purchased:  apparently 0.99 Canadian. Taste:   This tastes like a slightly hopped malt beverage. Imagine something like Malteasers , if you have never had a malt drink before. Watch this video - it's pretty awesome. Energy:  This didn't provide energy in the traditional sense so much as it changed my body into a rapidly burning plume of electric flame. After consuming this potent elixir, my body rapidly broke down into an ash...
Read more

Reign Energy Razzle Berry

-
Image
Now appearing in the Canadian Market: Reign Energy, here's the Razzle Berry flavour. Hello wanderer, I mean you no harm, I too am a lone traveler in the vast fields of perdition that extend forever beyond the horizon. Long have I hidden myself in cave-complex hermitage where I have hoped to outlast the great plague, but now that I have come back to the surface, I see that there will never be respite from our damnation, only brief glimpses of paradise through the consumption of forbidden elixirs. This particular elixir , from the lands to the South, has undergone a formulation change to appease our cautious council of elders . Part of that formulation change is a significant reduction in potency - whereas the Eagle-Men are able to consume 300mg of caffeine, those of the Beaver-People are restricted to a mere 180mg of caffeine - such is the way of this land. The inverse side of the can, with its various selling features.  It is said that this series of admixtures was developed to co...
Read more

THE EXPERIENCE IS JARRING

-
Image
Here is the next step in absolute diabolism. Here is the can - 444 ml 4 symbolizes death in Chinese numerology and after drinking this I wish I was dead.  Location Purchased:  A thinly disguised version of Hell. Price when Purchased:  Likely an eternity in suffering. Taste:   Well, now that I have crossed the threshold and entered into a partial reality that exists between livable dimensions, all concept of taste is gone. At times I have synesthesia and others I experience all tastes at once, coming in brutal waves that leave my body a hollow, tortured shell. I have since tried to eat and drink other things, but my body rejects everything categorically, everything except ROCKSTAR: Roasted - Mocha...  Like some kind of addict I keep buying and drinking this, I simultaneously crave it and hate it - the intense emotions and physical effects that this has on my body feel as if they are killing me, faster rather than slower, but even if I am...
Read more